Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Cracked Article: 5 True Stories That Will Make You Believe in Karma

My latest Cracked article is up! The Sedgewick and hockey entries were pretty fun to write, though I do apologize for calling Colorado "the Avalanches." Just goes to show you which sports I watch and which I don't (hint: I love football).

But this picture from the article is super sweet. Go read it! Annnnnd here are some rejected entries from myself and Josh Hrala

Study Just finds that having sex with animals causes penile cancer
Apparently in South America people love fucking animals, which is just plain wrong. Well it turns out that a new study from The Journal of Sexual Medicine finds that there is a link between animal fuckery and penile cancer from the acts.

Beating Your Wife While She Drives
You should never beat your wife, period. Not only does it make you a huge asshole, but Karma may get you quicker than sending your ass to prison to be beat by your new jail husband. In Hollywood, Fl a man was in the act of beating his wife while she drove down the road. Witnesses say that it looked like the man was forcing her to drive while 'fighting' her. After this went on for quite some time, the car went flying into a lake because the woman couldn't control the car. Guess what happened next? The man drowned in the wreckage while the woman was saved. The woman was flung from the car and her daughter was still inside, however the universe must have been watching because the infant was flung out as well and the only person left to die in the car was the wife beater. It's all about balance, balancing out assholes.

Swallowing a fake Diamond
Jewel thieves are always trying to figure out new cons to get their loot. However, Chou Wan got the incredibly lame end of the deal when he and a friend decided to a steal a diamond worth 13 grand. Wan was inside the store and asked to see the stone, which he promptly put into his mouth and swallowed, while the attention was on him his friend made off with the nearly 14,000 dollar stone. Even though the crime was pulled off and the stone was lifted from the store, Wan still had to pass a diamond through his intestines and into a toilet and is also in police custody. Police are still looking for the real thief.

Doors, a thieves nightmare
A robber in Pittsburgh attempted to steal from a Citizens Bank, he got the money and tried to flee through double glass doors. However, the bank manager was able to lock the doors as soon as he got between the door sets. Trapping him like an animal at the zoo, and like an animal at the zoo he started banging his head off the the doors trying to break free. This could of all been avoided if he would have looked at the multiple signs on the building telling him about the mechanism.

Steal a bike, faceplant
A man is caught on video stealing a bicycle, then trying to peddle away face plants directly into the pavement. If you're going to steal a bike chances are you should know how to ride one first.


Terrorist accidentally blows himself up
This was not a suicide bombing. Instead, a terrorist in Chile was trying to plant a bomb by a bank when suddenly it exploded, it didn't kill him but he lost his sight and possibly his limbs. His accomplice fled the scene leaving the man to smolder.

Man steals wallet and loses his own
A man who was interviewing for a new job stole the wallet of his interviewer. Then a couple days later called back to ask if anyone found HIS wallet, it turns out that the police aren't exactly dumb and went and arrested the guy. Apparently, he stole the wallet then ditched it after using the credit card, but also lost his own wallet in the process.

Muggers get stabbed with own weapons they were just stabbing with
Two criminals with long rap sheets one with a murder charge and the other with rape charge met up in prison and decided that when they got out they would start robbing women while riding a motorcycle. Their preferred method of attack is to find women alone on their way to work and pull a snatch and grab on jewelery or purses. However, when they snatched a 44 year old woman's chain and drove off on their motorcycle the universe just had enough. The woman called a nearby village that she knew the crooks would be traveling through and the citizens promptly made a human wall of crime stopping. The thieves tried to get through but crashed and fled into nearby dry shrubbery. So the villagers naturally set the tinder aflame. The criminals started stabbing at the villagers with freaking daggers, but then they were over powered and stabbed with their own weapons. No one was killed but their ego's apparently committed suicide.

Murderer Chokes on Chicken Leg Before Sentencing
The universe must be a pretty good judge of character because while awaiting trial (a couple days before) for murdering his wife because she didn't pay the cable bill while he was in the hospital. It took him seven days to die after the oxygen supply was cut to his brain. He choked because he was toothless and failed to cut his chicken small enough. It seems every one is shaking the universes hand because even his son said that the chicken leg was "sent by God".

Arsonist Lights himself on Fire in the Process
Arson must take a little more chutzpa than other crimes. There are alot of angles that could go wrong, also the universe seems to hate them with a passion. As Lee Sood found out when he tried to burn down a pub in Rugby, Warwickshire. Him and two accomplices (one playing getaway driver) went into the pub and tried to burn the place down and run out. However, they ended up lighting themselves in the process and fleeing the building with clothes aflame. Thanks to his burned skin being on the burned shirt he left at the scene he is now in jail for 4 years and his friends helped cops catch him.

"Magic Bullet" kills robber, baffles police
This maybe the same bullet that killed JFK because it pulls off some crazy shit. A man walked into a Travel Lodge in Atlanta where he proceeded to point his gun in the face of a 19 year old staff member at the cash register. The 19 year old employee hands over the money as quickly as he can but for some reason that we cannot see in the video the robber pulls the trigger and shoots the employee in the stomach. This is where everything just gets weird. In a moment of sheer nonsensical physics the bullet hits the robber in the head, killing him. Either it was the same bullet that went through the stomach of the employee or the gun fired two rounds, either way it doesn't make sense that the robber got hit right in the head. Nice one universe, nice one.

Getting humiliated by the store clerk owner
A robber by the name of Corey Allen Funk tried to rob a convenience store in Modesto California. Only to find out that the super human Edward Petrossi was the owner and store clerk that night. Petrossi is an immigrant from Iran, who likes belts that happen to be black and by like we mean has been awarded 6 black belts. When all of the customers leave the store Corey Funk tries to sneak behind the cash register and take Petrossi's money. A moment later Funk is jump kicked through the glass doors and sent rolling onto the street. After a comical scuffle ensues and Petrossi is calm enough to take a perfect photo of the thief's license plate, he even zoomed in, and if he had a better phone it would probably be Instagrammed. Funk was arrested for a string of robberies that was now ended by the Mr. Petrossi.